This is the second part of Coming Out To My Parents. The preceding article can be found here.
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I hid out at my sister’s house for the next twenty-four hours, nervous about what was to come but feeling slightly excited about the future at the same time. My sister went to see my parents the next day and returned with the following note from my father.
Brian,
Please don’t say or do anything else until we have a chance to talk.I love you.
P.S. Don’t be afraid to come home.
The letter calmed some of my fears, but I was still apprehensive about the conversations I knew I would be having with my parents upon my return.
Finally, after a couple of days had passed, I decided to face the music. I can’t remember exactly where my mother was in the house or what she was doing, but I do remember that she was avoiding me. My dad and I went into my room, where he explained that my mother wasn’t taking things very well. We talked for quite a while and he reassured me that he loved me and that everything would be alright. A few days later, he presented me with another handwritten letter that I cherish to this very day.
Honesty
Integrity
Courage
Intelligence
Sensitivity
Love for children
Love for animals
Love for nature & its beauty
Lack of prejudice
Talent for singing
Talent for making people laugh
Sense of humor
Love of giving things
Ability to see through phony issues
Willingness to workBrian,
This is a list of a few things that make me proud to tell people that you are my boy. It took about 5 min to think of these.
Dad
My parents decided I should see a Christian counselor, as my mother was concerned that the secular counselor I’d been seeing might have influenced my decision to reveal my homosexuality. I relented, even though the counselor they selected was the father of one of my best friends in high school. I also was already beginning to revel in my newly-found freedom and knew that nothing this man had to say was going to have any impact on my sexuality. He could tell me nothing that I hadn’t studied and been anguished over many times before.
Needless to say, the ensuing therapy session was quite uncomfortable. I explained my situation, only to be informed that God gives certain people trials that they have to bear. He explained that the temptation was going to always be there, but that I was required to resist it. He compared it to himself, a married man, being tempted by another women. I didn’t see this comparison as parallel, since he could still go home and have sexual relations with the woman he was married to. It just didn’t seem fair that God would require me to be celibate for the rest of my life. The session ended with me informing him that I had never had sexual relations with his son, which brought a huge smile of relief to his face.
At this point, only my immediate family and two counselors knew my secret. As my walls came down and my words and actions became less guarded, I felt a tremendous sense of relief. It seemed that the next obvious step would be revealing the truth to my co-workers.
After telling one of them the truth and seeing that he took it very well and basically had no reaction, I decided to use him as my messenger. I asked him to bring it up casually to two other employees and see what they said. Apparently, he didn’t understand my intent, because he went straight to them and announced, “Brian’s gay.”
That kind of news spreads like wildfire and it was no time before my boss, a devout Southern Baptist, came around to ask me if the rumor was true. He talked to me at length, before I was called into the office to talk to his wife. I was worried that I might lose my job, even though I had already been working there full-time for over two years and part-time for five years. After being reassured that my job was safe, my employers said that they wanted to make sure I really was gay and asked me to go see a Christian counselor. They even offered to pay, but I declined, explaining that I’d already been down that road.
Things at home eventually got so miserable between Mom and me that I decided it would be best to find my own place to live. I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a couple of weeks while searching for and finding a suitable apartment. My life was changing quickly, but it all seemed to be going in a positive direction… at least for me.
As time passed, the relationship with my mother slowly started to heal. I understood her grief, most of which was based on her religious beliefs about homosexuality. Part of it could have been shame or the realization that I’d probably never have children. We had some long discussions, with me explaining my side of things and her reminding me that I was turning my back on God. Eventually, we got to the point where my sexuality was nothing more than an invisible ghost lurking in the background - something we knew was there but shouldn’t be discussed.
In the years before I came out to my parents, I always assumed that my dad would have the strongest reaction to my revelation, while Mom would take it in stride. I was much closer to my mother growing up, never really feeling any deep connection with my father. As cliched as it may sound, I didn’t feel like I knew him at all. Looking back, I find it somewhat amusing that neither of them had the reaction I was expecting.
A few years ago, after the demise of an eight-year relationship, my mother and sister somehow surmised that this “gay” phase of my life had finally come to an end and they had high hopes that I would finally settle down with a female. Later, after I had introduced a romantic interest to my dad, I got word that Mom and my sister did not want to meet him. Apparently this new guy had dashed all their hopes and they thought if they’d just ignore the “problem” it (or he) might go away. I decided I’d had enough.
The two letters that I wrote - one to my mother and one to my sister - were harsh, but not unfair. I explained that I was tired of being unable to bring my partner to family gatherings and that it was high-time they dealt with reality. I wrote that I felt they were choosing their religion and their church friends over their real family members. I informed them both that I would no longer attend any family events until they accepted that this was who I was and this was the person that I wanted to be with. It was several weeks before we talked again, but things did improve. Today, my partner goes with me when I visit my mother and grandmother.
I know that both of my parents love me. This might not have been the lifestyle that they would have wanted for their only son, but they’ve always been there for me when I needed them most. I feel closer to my father than ever before, my mother has come to realize that life isn’t so black and white, and I’ve found a wonderful person to share my life with. Just imagine what I could have missed out on if I hadn’t put pen to paper all those years ago!
12 Comments
You are so fortunate to have a dad that will talk to you like that. That’s awesome. And LOL about the counselor’s son.
I never knew that your family still thought it was a phase, as recently as as a few years ago. That amazes me.
I’m sorry but the counselor’s son thing made me laugh, too. I probably would have told him otherwise, even though it was untrue, because I’m a passive aggressive person who would have wanted to get in one really good punch before I left his office.
Your father’s list of Brianisms was such a wonderful gift, and it’s probably from him that you get so much of your talent for compassionate writing. I’m sorry that your mother has struggled with it so. Old thought patterns die hard, I suppose. But it sounds as if her love for you is bigger and stronger than anything else she’s up against, and those two things are winning the battle for her.
And I was so relieved that you didn’t backslide when it would have been such an easy way out. By moving forward in your life with what you knew was right, your life began to fall into place. How wonderful that it has unfolded just as is should. And you’re even willing to share it with all of us. Thank you, Brian!
Wow! What a great note to get from your Dad at such a tense moment. What a great note to get from your Dad at any time and it only took him 5 minutes. I think I will take some time to write some notes to my children.
Thanks for the story. My sister went through a rough time with my mother. When she told my parents, my mother was shocked and took years to get over her feelings of betrayal. My father was supportive in a passive way. I can’t imagine my father writing a note like that though. And, life is hard enough without Christian counseling.
Ok, TWO “christian” counselors? That boggles the mind.
I remember very clearly when a very close friend of mine revealed that he was gay. We had known each other for several years and were great friends. He had frequently made suggestive denials of his homosexuality. It was a tough thing for him, obviously, and he managed to sincerely confuse me–meaning, I could never quite figure out if he was gay, not that it mattered, but he did frequently bring the subject up and talk about how he wasn’t. One night we were hanging out in bar (it happened to be a “gay” bar but because it was near the place where we were both working, I never put the pieces together) and I asked him to walk me to my car (it was a dark and creepy part of town.) As we were leaving the bar, he just blurted out “I’m gay.” And quite honestly, I was really stunned. I had no idea what to say; in fact, I thought he was joking. I can’t remember if I laughed or not, but I’m afraid to say I might have. If I did, it was only because I was caught completely off guard and was totally, utterly unclear as to whether he was actually making a statement that I should have been paying more attention to. A few days later, I couldn’t shake the event from my mind, so I wrote him and email and asked if he was serious. He said he was and explained what a difficult decision it had been to tell me and to tell the rest of his friends, particularly those who had believed for so long that he was straight. He was kind of a different person from that day on. Eventually we moved to seperate states but last I heard, he was in a very nice relationship with a math teacher, and is also in law school with an intent to do some kind of discriminatory law work. I am so happy that he can now put his energy into something that is really important and can affect so many people in a positive way, rather than spending all that energy hiding. It’s just not right.
I guess the reason I’m writing all this is because I have lived it very directly from the “other side” if you will, and I cannot imagine what a difficult thing it is to come out to even your closest family and friends, let alone co-workers and the world. My friend struggled for a very long time with it…and I was very close to him and could barely see what was going on. It must be so hard to keep this kind of thing “hidden” or feel like you can’t say a word. What an incredibly freeing, yet very scary feeling to have everything out on the table. That kind of courage in other people is what makes me keep working on bettering myself everyday.
Brian- When I think of how you handled this, it brought parts of the poem “If” (by Rudyard Kipling) to mind:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too…
…If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools…
You know your heart, and you know your mind, and once you began being true to yourself, you couldn’t go back. It’s who you are, and it’s very inspiring.
I’m glad your friends and family came around– it would have been a great loss to them if they hadn’t.
You are a comfort and a godsend. I’m always enriched by other people sharing their often traumatic “coming out” stories. I particularly liked the aspect of your letter where you wrote:
Homosexuality is not demon possesion. Yeah, I know there are some pretty sick people out there, but I think they hate themselves so much they don’t care what they do. I know for a fact that I am not demon-possesed. I love God very much and I fear him. I love church and I am extremly opposed to anything Satanic or cultish.
I can very much identify with that sentiment. It can be a bit overwhelming, at times, that the drag queens in the front of the parade get all of the publicity, while the “boring” homosexuals like us are cast as some sort of “exception to the rule.” It’s simply not so, and the more people like you and I tell the world so, the more they will understand it.
My own Grandfather, my father’s father, was a deacon in our church. While I never had the courage to directly come out to him before he died, I did have a long talk with him while he was in the hospital, and I feel that he knew. I reassured him that while I no longer went to the church, my relationship with God remained strong, I prayed every night (still do), I had a good notion of where I was going with my life and had someone that I loved who loved me back, and my faith in God would always be a driving force in my actions. I later learned from my grandmother that my grandfather had spoken to her about that very conversation, and he was proud of me and felt I had a good head on my shoulders. When she told me that I was brought to tears. My grandfather seldom expressed love in so many words, but tended towards expressing it in actions.
Sorry to ramble, but your post brought up memories. Thanks for sharing and keep on being you. We’re all better for it.
jamie
@ Alyson - Yep. It even surprised me.
@ Wendy - In hindsight, it is pretty funny!
@ randomyriad - I do have a great dad, huh?
@ Caroline - Thanks for sharing that story! I’m sure you friend knew that you were supportive. I might have nervously laughed myself if placed in that same situation.
@ MBMQ - I love that poem, but I feel unworthy to be compared to it.
@ Jamie - You comment is so touching. Thanks for sharing that story. It reminded me of my own experiences with my grandfather.
He was a strict Pentecostal man, but very quiet and kind. Just before he died, my previous partner and I spent the night with him in the hospital and it meant so much to him that he wept the next morning when telling a friend about it. A few days later, he had a tube down his throat and was unable to speak, but he summoned the strength to reach for my partner’s hand as we stood by his bed. It was such an unexpected and tender moment that I couldn’t control my tears.
He died shortly after, but I think he realized that what a person has in their heart and the way they treat others is the only thing that truly matters in the end.
“but I think he realized that what a person has in their heart and the way they treat others is the only thing that truly matters in the end.”
Very true.
That applies to us all. No matter what we look like on the outside or what we have or don’t have, it is the INSIDE that matters.
Love ya!!!
I thought your dad would be more excepting than your mom — just from other things you’ve written about concerning your family. I’m so glad he was so kind and willing to be a little open-minded about it. With you writing about your coming out letter, it reminded me about my coming out story. I really do hope and pray for all those who have come out this year. I hope they’ve found at least one person has accepted them.
I’ve just recently started visiting here; you are very thoughtful, very articulate. Your parents’ reactions of course brought up my own memories — my father wrote me an e-mail saying he was pleased I’d found someone to love, that it was a wonderful blessing. And to please not tell my mother he’d been in contact with me, as she was completely unable to deal. So I didn’t, and he died before she got over it, and I never saw him again.
On the other hand, my 90-year-old granddad had a lightbulb come on over his head (a-HA!) when he met my darling wife, and was loving and affectionate with both of us for the rest of his very long life.
@ Liz - Exactly. Love you, too!
@ Byrd - I’d love to read your coming out story, if you feel like sharing it.
@ Bosquechica - What a nice comment. I just read your entire blog and added you to my blogroll. Thanks for stopping by!
wow, i’m happy for you,