My name is Brian.
I’m currently living in a very conservative part of the United States with my partner and our three spoiled cats. We’re very normal, perhaps even boring, but we like it that way. Even though our region isn’t very progressive, we have lots of wonderful, supportive friends and an open, accepting church. Life is good.
The name of my site, In Repair, comes from a song by John Mayer. It seems to fit where I’m at in my life right now; working towards certain goals spiritually, emotionally, financially. It feels like I’m pretty close to reaching some of those goals, which is why I love the lyric “I’m not together, but I’m getting there.”
This site usually serves as a space for me to think out loud or to share special memories with friends. I often write about the struggles I face trying to reconcile my faith with my sexuality. It has been a rather difficult and complicated journey so far, yet I’ve still got questions that I want answered.
Please feel free to comment… I love the feedback.
45 Comments
Hi Brian! I found you through Alyson’s site .. I am also living in a rather conservative area of the US, as a neighbor to y’all.
I’m gonna peek around a little bit.
Is that you brian?!
@ Red: Howdy, neighbor! Thanks for stopping by.
@ Amrutha: Yep, that’s me.
Me too – about living in the conservative part of the US. It’s so not my thing, but it’s where I raised my son and where I bought my house – blah, blah, blah. And there’s the job thing. I just wish it wasn’t redneck country. I’d prefer a community where people read books and watched documentaries instead of shooting game and tricking out their pickup trucks.
Why do you have to reconcile your sexuality with your religion? It is all the way around! Religion has to reconcile its views with sexuality. Homosexuality exists and perfectly normal people are gay, so tell religion to get over it and move on. You are the expert on YOU, you know who you are, what you are. So, if someone exterior to the all knowing you tries to define you as evil and wrong, don’t listen. Drop that part of the exterior culture ( which is made up by many ignorant people) and be yourself, which I think you are doing perfectly well.
I am not religious, I am spiritual because I have a spirit that lives inside this body and feels and thinks with a brain in the physical. I don’t belong to any church or religion because that is not born with me but imposed by my circumstances and that, I can reject or accept. PAryts of religions I accept, others based on hatred I drop. As if you are born in a black hating community; you don’t have to partake of the same philosophy.
I hope this not sound imposing becaus eit is not. These are my views about the whole thing about “reconciliation” which I solve easily because I don’t give religion any power over me and my feelings than those I allow it to have.
Be at piece and continue in your soul searching journey and be happy and ever evolving to the best you can be. God bless you.
@ observantbystander: Sounds like we’re kind of in the same boat.
@ Yolanda: Great advice. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on spirituality and religion!
brian = hott.
@ ohchicken: Aw, geez. Don’t make me blush.
I understand “very conservative”.
ohchicken’s right! DANG!
Oh hey quick question. I have the book Eat, pray sleep too! I noticed you are reading it. Thoughts so far?????
@ freefrompt: Thank you!
About the book, I love it so far. I haven’t been reading as much as I would like to, so I’m only in the second section. The author is brilliant and creative. She makes me a little jealous.
You’re positively adorable!
@ Alyssa: Aw, thanks!
Hello! You’re a cutie. I’m new to this blog thing and found yours – added you to my blogroll. My husband is gay and we also live in a conservative state. He is not out yet. Hope we can learn more from each other.
@ anginae: Thanks for the add and the compliment. Can you give me your blog address? It isn’t linked from your username.
i’m not sure how to link it but I think you found it b/c i got a comment from you. I’m totally new to this.
has anyone ever told you you look like Johnny Knoxville in your picture?
I think my link is anginae.wordpress.com
@ anginae: I haven’t heard that one, but I’ll take it as a compliment. I’ve always thought JK was pretty cute.
You can add your link to your username on your WordPress dashboard under Users – Your Profile – Contact Info.
Hi Brian: I just found your blog and really enjoy reading your posts. I’m a partnered guy living in the liberal mecca of Seattle, although I was raised in a radically conservative Southern Baptist environment in Texas. I admire any gay couple who can establish and maintain a balanced, healthy life in a part of the country where gay people struggle to be tolerated, much less accepted. I could not do it — once I left my bogus narrow-minded hate filled “faith” behind, my life began to fall into place. But I could not abide by the ways of the intolerant around me, so I bolted Texas and never have looked back.
I will be a regular reader of yours! My best.
@ Boy Grows Up: I’m so glad you stopped by! Any gay couple that sticks together deserves admiration – no matter where they are located. We’ve been truly blessed to have a supportive church family and great friends, but I realize that many gay couples aren’t so fortunate.
Enjoying the blog immensely. I wanted to thank you for your comment, I had a lot of fun writing that one. Your voice, like so many others is truly needed. Thank you.
There is no agony like the untold story inside you.
Zora Neale Hurston
Hi Brian,
Glad I found your blog…I am on a similar journey of reconciliation, and living in an uber-conservative part of Ontario, Canada, where folk still expect PM Harper to repeal laws allowing gay marriage…
@ Timbre: I meant to reply to this earlier, but I tend to “lose” comments on my static pages. I love the quote!
@ Wayne: Hello to you! I really, really hope that Canada doesn’t take that step backwards.
Brian, as a fellow gay man, I can honestly say that you are my hero.
@ Shaboba: You made my day.
Hi Brian
Hey, what an interesting and varied site you have put together… Found it whilst looking at the background to “Peaceful Majority Is Irrelevant” debate.
My faith in the love of God has actually become stronger since our much loved daughter came out as Lesbian.
Until then I was very homophobic, but then spent some years reconsidering what the Bible actually says about Homo & Hetro Sexuality.
Discovered I’d got it wrong…. So I was also “In repair” (I do like that phrase)
Anyway, simply, I can find no condemnation, by Jesus, or anyone else of a permanent, faithful, stable, loving, same sex relationships.
This was the title of a great Greenbelt seminar by Rev Jeffery John back in 1998.. If you can get to hear it I would recommend it.
All the best to you & your partner
@ Dave: Thank you so much for your comment. I deeply respect the journey you’ve been on and how you’ve dedicated the time and energy to figuring it out for yourself.
Blessings.
seems like i am becomin a regular visitor to ur blog…interesting blog and esp the phrase ‘in repair’…funny for me who comes frm frm a conservative society and country, pakistan, i found ur blog and cant wait to read ur next post after ur last…u seem to be so much the voice of some ppl i know who are gay and wanting to come out here in this country
keep up the writing
Owais
@ Siawo: What a nice comment! Just when I’m ready to give up on this little “experiment,” someone like you comes along and makes me think it’s all for a purpose. Thank you!
Hi Brian,
I have read your Islam Article. Very insightful. You have wonderful writing skills, I think this is why your article has touched so many lives.
In reading your bio, I see that you have apparently adopted the gay lifestyle. Since you indicated that you are on a spiritual journey, I just wanted to discuss it in relation to your lifestyle. My writing skills don’t come close to yours, so please know that I do not intend to offend you or any of your readers, I just sense a connection with you because of your article and desire to share some thoughts with you regarding life and eternity.
All of us get and develope our belief systems from somewhere, purhaps and more likely a conglomoration of several somewheres. Each of us is unique and yet because we are all of the same humanity, we all ultimately have the same fundamental struggles to one degree or another. Humans in general have several lingering questions in common? Who am I? Where did I come from? Why am I here? What happens to me when my body experiences death? If questions like these are not satisfactorily answered, life can be confusing, pointless, without purpose, unfulfilling, and a bit hopeless and perhaps overwhelming.
I believe that all of these questions and more can be answered through a personal, inner, spiritual relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. In order to have a successful relationship there must be communication. The Scripture says that Gods word is living, sharp…so much so that it is able to penetrate deep into a persons heart and separate his spirit from his soul. God’s Word is how He communicates with Humans. We commune with Him in our spirit by praying or talking to Him.
I am certain you know the Gospel, that Christ came to earth and died for our sins. Those who believe in Him and surrender their lives to loving Him, serving, and obeying Him are promised eternal life which begins right here on earth in these incredible but broken bodies.
Now the hard part…obedience. The Scripture repeatedly makes it clear that sexual promiscuty is a sin (ie. disobedience). Premarital sex (fornication), adultry, and yes homosexual acts are all clearly defined as sin in Scripture. Humans do not need sex to live full meanful lives, if that is not the case then Christ Himself must have in some way lived an empty life. Jesus condemned hypocracy in the strongest terms. He was never married…He did not sin sexually. Yet, He said I have come that you might have life abundantly. He said I am the way, the truth, and the life. He also said if you love me you will obey me.
So, becoming all you can be Spiritually is loving Jesus by obeying Him. This is true for all of us regardless of our so called sexual preferences, etc. As we live obedient lives before Him, our lives reap the benefits…all of the good that He wants to bless us with. No human, no society, no nation, no culture, and no group regardless of who they say they are is immune from the consequences of sin, of disobedience to Christ, here on earth and for eternity. He is the King, enthroned in heaven, ruling the universe…He wants to be the Lord of the kingdom of our hearts!
Well, I must stop now, I hope that I have not offended you by what I have said or the way I have said it. That is not my intention at all. You seem like a genuinely nice man. The goal for my life is to be known by Jesus and to know Him…Jesus Himself said that is the most important thing in life! Blessings to you, Brian and all who read this.
@ John: I assume you are referring to the post on my website entitled “Why The Peaceful Majority Is Irrelevant.” I wish I could claim credit for the article, but it was actually written by Paul E. Marek. I included it here because I found it very insightful and interesting.
I appreciate your words and accept them in the spirit that they were intended. I am familiar with The Gospel and the message of Christ – both of which teach that love is the most important thing that any of us can aspire to.
I won’t get into a long discussion here about sexuality and Biblical interpretation, as I’ve already written about it extensively on this website. Feel free to peruse some of my older articles if you are interested in knowing more about my beliefs related to homosexuality and religion.
Peace to you and thanks for commenting!
Brian, enjoyed your eloquent post. I invite you to visit me, but I am Conservative. However, I am working through feelings on homosexuality. Ideals change when they become personal. To Dave up there? There is definite condemnation of homosexuality in the Bible, no question. There is also condemnation of us judging those around us. God can determine what’s right and wrong, but not us. And we are not the enforcers. In fact, we have been assigned the daunting task of leaving humanity’s issues to God while we love each other. Hmmm…
there are times that the answers to our questions in life just pass in our daily lives.
we will just know these when we pause sometimes.
EYES(eyes2eyes.wordpress.com)
Brian, definitely like your blog and your ‘think out loud’ process…it’s actually pretty inspiring to change the spin on some of my own blogs.
Thought you would appreciate another song reference since you liked “Breathe” by Two of Cups at the end of Ugly Betty. Appropriately, last night’s episode ended with another great song that is well, emotional…”Lost!” by Coldplay.
Would love to hear your thoughts on that…and for the record, you have definitely made my blogroll. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Brian, I’ve found your website looking for the lyrics of “Breathe” by Two of Cups, so I’d like to thank you for posting it. I started reading your site because I am an Italian bisexual boy from Milan and like a lot Americans for their way of life…you know,Europe is so different, Italy most of all.Just look at this:gay couples here have to live almost making themselves invisible, because when people see you kissing your boyfriend they start looking at you like a criminal, I swear it! And let’s talk about the threatening Catholic Churc! Once a priest(who can’t be but Catholic, because everybody here is Catholic…) told me gays can love each other, but they can’t have sex because this is against God’s laws. Well, I hope he was aware of the big lie he was saying: the Catholic Church considers gays against nature and many months ago the Italian television interwiewed many priests involved in a sort of “turning back” clinic in which they wanted to “turn homosexual back eterosexuals” because “they are just ill” they said!That’s ridiculous, I know, so I hope you’ll appreciate more the fact that you live in US and not in a place so beautiful, but so threatened by bigots…hope you’ll write something back to me, goodbye!
@ eyes: Lovely sentiments!
@ Derek: Thanks for your compliments and the add to your blogroll. I’d like to check out your blog, but it isn’t linked from your username. I listened to the Coldplay song you mentioned and really liked it!
@ Simone: I can relate to much of what you describe. We would not only risk dirty looks if we kissed in public, we might even be verbally or physically attacked. There are areas in this country where gay couples can express affection in public, but they are few and far between. We learn at an early age that our desires are something to be hidden away from the public eye, but maybe a new day is coming…
Brian – Derek here. Glad to hear that you liked the Coldplay song! The blog I’m giving you as a link to me is http://swimminginmyhead.wordpress.com. I think since I’m signed in it should automatically be linked. My other blog is in the ‘about the author’ page. Take care and looking forward to what you’re posting this week.
brian, this is lisa…love your blog. it’s addictive and has inspired me to start my own. thanks for the inspiration. come and visit sometime
sorry, new to this…come visit at
http://wutupdogg.wordpress.com/
brian, thanks for adding me to your blog roll…i feel like i’m part of the cool kids group now. seriously, i love your blog. thanks for being so open about everything…
@ wutupdogg: You’re welcome! Glad you started blogging!!
That’s my pal right there…gotta have backup when I make fun of Sparkles, LMAO! Anyway just figured out how to use this thing so decided to give you a blog…um…entry, so yeah. L8er!
Hey sorry, I haven’t checked you out sooner..I read wutupdog and Derek…ALL THE TIME…thinking I will like you too!
Your blog is so introspective, revealing and thoughtful. I really enjoyed reading it. As for living in a conservative are of the US, your picture shows Chicago! I love Chicago and think of it as a little puddle of blue in a sea of red. Good luck with everything!
Hi Brian,
I have a feeling your blog must bring a lot of comfort to people wrangling with religion/sexuality questions, and insight to those of us who are also wrangling with religion/other life issues. Keep up your good work and know that you are making a difference.
Pam Bickell
I’ve gotten behind on replying to comments on this page, so thanks to Seth, goodbadandugly2, and Stillthinking76!
@ notesalongthepath: I appreciate your comment very much. I hope it provides comfort to those who need it and understanding to those who don’t. Blessings to you!