I came out to my parents almost thirteen years ago through a letter left on the dining room table. I simply couldn’t muster the courage to do it in person, so I waited until they had left one evening, laid it in a conspicuous location, and retreated to my sister’s house to wait for the seemingly inevitable wrath.
This letter came shortly after I had taken an overdose, been hospitalized, and forced to enter counseling. This is important to know for two reasons. First, the letter will make more sense when it refers to these things. Second, you will hopefully have a better understanding of my frame of mind at the time it was written.
The fact that I was raised in a religion that taught that homosexuality was comparable to demon-possession and would surely damn me to hell is also important to recognize. That was a large part of what made my struggle so painful, as writing this letter was, in many ways, an abandonment of my faith.
Dear Mom & Dad,
I don’t know exactly how to go about this, but I’ll do the best I can. The last year has been one that I’ll never forget. I saw my lowest points and my highest all in the space of twelve months. One day I thought no one loved me, that I was unlovable and a monster, and that there was no reason to live; then within a few hours I realized that wasn’t true. You both showed me how much you really cared. I feel like I really know who my father is for the first time. I’ll never forget the look of horror on his face that night as I passed out in his arms. I knew then that he really loved me, but I was scared that we might have waited too late to get to know each other. But somehow I made it. I hate that it all happened, but I think maybe it was good because I got help and am still getting help and also because it brought our family closer.
So, looking back on nineteen-ninety-four, I’d say we did pretty good. I feel like a new person. I see the beauty in life again and I have regained some of my self-esteem which hasn’t been easy. I think I know who I am now and I’m not taking someone else’s identity for my own.
The reason I’m writing this letter is because I can’t tell you this face-to-face. Here goes…
I’ve been sexually attracted to men my whole life. I know this will kill you and I’m really, really sorry. It’s okay to cry and scream. I’ve been crying and screaming at God my whole life. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I’ve always been a good person. I always went to church and prayed. So why would this happen to me? I don’t know, but I do know it’s not a choice, because I’d rather be an invalid than choose this. I have never been sexually attracted to women even though I tried everything to be “normal”. I’ve used pornography, movies, everything I could think of to be like everyone else, but it doesn’t work. I’ve prayed to God over and over and over to deliver me and save me. I told him I’d do my best if he’d save me and change me, but he hasn’t. So I started to hate myself, turning all the hostility I felt towards everyone for making fun of me in on myself. I decided if I was going to be so hated and so abandoned by God that I would spare you and me alot of pain if I died, so I tried it. But for some reason, God has spared me from a wreck and suicide so I know he loves me even if no one else does.
Homosexuality is not demon possesion. Yeah, I know there are some pretty sick people out there, but I think they hate themselves so much they don’t care what they do. I know for a fact that I am not demon-possesed. I love God very much and I fear him. I love church and I am extremly opposed to anything Satanic or cultish.
I don’t understand why I am like this but I have been this way my whole life, so I think it’s time I accept it. If I have to keep living a lie I will probably kill myself. You don’t understand how you have to guard everything you say and do to keep people from finding out about you. I still think you may have wondered. I’m 20 and I’ve never been on a real date and show no interest, so you had alot of clues.
I told [my sister] three weeks ago. We was in Pizza Hut and I told her. She was stunned. She wanted to know if I liked all men. I said no. I had taste just like she does. Then she wanted to know if the counsellor could put me on some medicine to make me different. I told her if she could there wouldn’t be anyone like this. Anyway, she’s done pretty well accepting me. She told me she was going to pray that God would help me. I guess you can do the same, but believe me, I’m not like this from lack of prayer. I have prayed until I was physically and emotionally exhausted but it didn’t help. Even Jesus begged God all night to deliver him from the crucifixion, but God didn’t. Somehow, I relate to him very much on that and it makes me cry.
So, I’m really sorry and I hope you’re okay. I love you and I’m still the same person you’ve always known and the same one that you held in the hospital when I cried. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I was scared you would kick me out or something. But now that’s a chance I have to take. If you need to talk to me, you can call me at [my sister’s] or come see me.
I’m sorry and I love you.
Brian
December 31, 1994
I hid out at my sister’s house for the next twenty-four hours, nervous about what was to come but feeling slightly excited about the future at the same time. My sister went to see my parents the next day and returned with the following note from my father.
Brian,
Please don’t say or do anything else until we have a chance to talk.I love you.
P.S. Don’t be afraid to come home.
The letter calmed some of my fears, but I was still apprehensive about the conversations I knew I would be having with my parents upon my return.
Finally, after a couple of days had passed, I decided to face the music. I can’t remember exactly where my mother was in the house or what she was doing, but I do remember that she was avoiding me. My dad and I went into my room, where he explained that my mother wasn’t taking things very well. We talked for quite a while and he reassured me that he loved me and that everything would be alright. A few days later, he presented me with another handwritten letter that I cherish to this very day.
Honesty
Integrity
Courage
Intelligence
Sensitivity
Love for children
Love for animals
Love for nature & its beauty
Lack of prejudice
Talent for singing
Talent for making people laugh
Sense of humor
Love of giving things
Ability to see through phony issues
Willingness to workBrian,
This is a list of a few things that make me proud to tell people that you are my boy. It took about 5 min to think of these.
Dad
My parents decided I should see a Christian counselor, as my mother was concerned that the secular counselor I’d been seeing might have influenced my decision to reveal my homosexuality. I relented, even though the counselor they selected was the father of one of my best friends in high school. I also was already beginning to revel in my newly-found freedom and knew that nothing this man had to say was going to have any impact on my sexuality. He could tell me nothing that I hadn’t studied and been anguished over many times before.
Needless to say, the ensuing therapy session was quite uncomfortable. I explained my situation, only to be informed that God gives certain people trials that they have to bear. He explained that the temptation was going to always be there, but that I was required to resist it. He compared it to himself, a married man, being tempted by another women. I didn’t see this comparison as parallel, since he could still go home and have sexual relations with the woman he was married to. It just didn’t seem fair that God would require me to be celibate for the rest of my life. The session ended with me informing him that I had never had sexual relations with his son, which brought a huge smile of relief to his face.
At this point, only my immediate family and two counselors knew my secret. As my walls came down and my words and actions became less guarded, I felt a tremendous sense of relief. It seemed that the next obvious step would be revealing the truth to my co-workers.
After telling one of them the truth and seeing that he took it very well and basically had no reaction, I decided to use him as my messenger. I asked him to bring it up casually to two other employees and see what they said. Apparently, he didn’t understand my intent, because he went straight to them and announced, “Brian’s gay.”
That kind of news spreads like wildfire and it was no time before my boss, a devout Southern Baptist, came around to ask me if the rumor was true. He talked to me at length, before I was called into the office to talk to his wife. I was worried that I might lose my job, even though I had already been working there full-time for over two years and part-time for five years. After being reassured that my job was safe, my employers said that they wanted to make sure I really was gay and asked me to go see a Christian counselor. They even offered to pay, but I declined, explaining that I’d already been down that road.
Things at home eventually got so miserable between Mom and me that I decided it would be best to find my own place to live. I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a couple of weeks while searching for and finding a suitable apartment. My life was changing quickly, but it all seemed to be going in a positive direction… at least for me.
As time passed, the relationship with my mother slowly started to heal. I understood her grief, most of which was based on her religious beliefs about homosexuality. Part of it could have been shame or the realization that I’d probably never have children. We had some long discussions, with me explaining my side of things and her reminding me that I was turning my back on God. Eventually, we got to the point where my sexuality was nothing more than an invisible ghost lurking in the background - something we knew was there but shouldn’t be discussed.
In the years before I came out to my parents, I always assumed that my dad would have the strongest reaction to my revelation, while Mom would take it in stride. I was much closer to my mother growing up, never really feeling any deep connection with my father. As cliched as it may sound, I didn’t feel like I knew him at all. Looking back, I find it somewhat amusing that neither of them had the reaction I was expecting.
A few years ago, after the demise of an eight-year relationship, my mother and sister somehow surmised that this “gay” phase of my life had finally come to an end and they had high hopes that I would finally settle down with a female. Later, after I had introduced a romantic interest to my dad, I got word that Mom and my sister did not want to meet him. Apparently this new guy had dashed all their hopes and they thought if they’d just ignore the “problem” it (or he) might go away. I decided I’d had enough.
The two letters that I wrote - one to my mother and one to my sister - were harsh, but not unfair. I explained that I was tired of being unable to bring my partner to family gatherings and that it was high-time they dealt with reality. I wrote that I felt they were choosing their religion and their church friends over their real family members. I informed them both that I would no longer attend any family events until they accepted that this was who I was and this was the person that I wanted to be with. It was several weeks before we talked again, but things did improve. Today, my partner goes with me when I visit my mother and grandmother.
I know that both of my parents love me. This might not have been the lifestyle that they would have wanted for their only son, but they’ve always been there for me when I needed them most. I feel closer to my father than ever before, my mother has come to realize that life isn’t so black and white, and I’ve found a wonderful person to share my life with. Just imagine what I could have missed out on if I hadn’t put pen to paper all those years ago!
23 Comments
Brian,
Im indian and my family is both religious and spiritual.my mum is a staunch moralist.I truly fell in love with a college mate when 16.She went on to emotionally bog me down with her moralistic views-that it was a SIN to on dates with guys and that i would be something close to a slut if i did go out.(please note that many indian urban families are not open to the idea of dating) It took me 3years to understand that the God that we each inhibit within us is non-judgemental.Gluck!
Amrutha: Good for you. Changing one’s vision of God isn’t the easiest thing to do, so I commend you for challenging your faith and coming to a more peaceful conclusion.
You have gone throuhg many personal tribulations and I humbly bow to a man that can be so brave and honest where you emotionally risked the most; with your family and co-workers. A life of personal triumphs, I would add. A sI told you before, the churches are the onbes that need to change, not the people that are scorned by being what God made them to be. You were born that way for a reason, to put compassion inpeople’s hearts by “being among them”.
Yolanda: I hope that I can have a positive impact in this area, so that things are a little easier on the next guy who comes out. Thank you for your kind comment!
Brian,
Happened on your blog from the WordPress Dashboard. Thanks for writing so honestly about your struggles with faith and your family. You’re quite the fighter.
May every day bring you closer to Jesus Christ. We’re all “in repair”!
Your brother in Christ,
W.H.
@ Wei Hsien: Thank you so much for your kind words. You’re right… we are all “in repair”!
Wow. What a story. You and I are of differing generations, but coming out is always difficult. Good for you in your tenacity and honesty- both with yourself and your family. You might be interested in my blog piece- http://alligatorreport.wordpress.com/2007/09/09/a-half-century-on-the-planet-a-reflection-on-my-50th-birthday/
Although it isn’t a coming out story- my reconciling life and God with being gay is part of my story.
Best of Luck!
Randy
My side of the family is more laxed about someone’s sexuality than my my husband’s (even my husband himself). I used to be homophobic, but when I found out that a good friend at the time was gay, and found out I had feelings for women as well as men…you really can’t end up hating yourself. I ditched church for an atheistic form of Buddhism, tried to go back to church, married, but ended up I’m a born religious skeptic and bi.
I’m lucky my family at least still loves me…one of my best friends is gay, and his parents more or less disowned him.
Brian,
Thanks for sharing your truthful and moving story. I went to a catholic school and my best friend since the fourth grade came out to me in college. He said “Remember when you had a crush on Mike in the 8th grade, well so did I.” As if I didn’t already now.
I didn’t realize how much our religion had hurt him. I figured he could just ignore the part of our religion that said that homosexuality was wrong. After all there was so much we didn’t agree with that we were taught. But it was so much deeper then that. I like what you said about reinventing God because that is what it took for both of us and he had to heal. Our religion and beliefs caused him deep wounds.
For me it meant leaving the church and choosing a different religion outside of christianity. But I am always reinventing my spiritiuality. I believe that that is part of growing.
Thank you for sharing your personal story.
Happy New Year,
lna
Hi Brian,
Good on you for accepting yourself and allowing others to know and accept your whole humanity. I liked your Dad’s list of why he loves and respects you, sexuality doesn’t even come into it.
I believe that God has always known you, and everything about you, and loves and cherishes you as much as any fundamental bible bashing bigot.
Um, I dont know if that came out right but well done on being inspirational to everyone who lives in fear of rejection for whatever reason.
I have a few friends that are gay and haven’t come out yet. Although they are not religious in any regard it must have been hard for you to come out under these circumstances. I am an atheist and I sometimes feel a similar way when I have to tell girlfriends parents/families that I am an atheist and do not share the same world view as them.
It can be tough sometimes but you have to push on through.
Skelliot.
@ Randy: Reconciling this with my faith was much harder than any of the problems that I’ve encountered along with way with family, friend, and life in general.
@ Jersey: You’re right. We really can’t go around hating ourselves.
@ Ina4va: That’s a cute story about your friend crushing on the same guy as you. I’m glad that you were a true friend and helped him through his pain with religion, etc.
Anne Marie: It totally came out right! Thanks for commenting.
@ Skelliot: I can see where your situation could be very difficult in certain circumstances, since you are forced to “come out” over and over. Glad you stopped by!
Brian,
I stumbled upon your website while looking for a version of “He looked beyond my faults”. Normally I don’t submit comments to websites. As a matter of fact this is my first ever and I’ve been surfing the net for years.
But upon reading some of the material on your site I was saddened to find yet another Christian beguiled by sin. I am no fanatic, so I won’t be ranting and raving about how you should be burned according to Old Testament laws. Too many confused people use the Bible to their own ends. When that end isn’t to excuse or justify their wrong behavior it’s usually used to put other people down. Too often before an encouraging word is given, you’ll receive curses to eternal damnation. My only reason for writing this is to hopefully give you something to think about.
On your “About the Author” page you state “I often write about the struggles I face trying to reconcile my faith with my sexuality.” I think every Christian goes through that in a sense. We all struggle with our faith and that sin that we struggle with the hardest. And contrary to the increasingly popular belief, homosexuality is a sin and it is definitely wrong. It is discussed in both the Old and New Testaments. Many people harp on the Old Testament because they just want to punish people but the New Testament covers it too. The first chapter of Romans discusses homosexuality (Rom. 1:19-32). Verse 26 addresses lesbians and verse 27 addresses homosexual men; verse 28 begins to talk about the possible consequences. Being turned over to a reprobate mind means that God turned them over to their sins and rejected them that they wouldn’t even seek Him any longer.
I know you said that you prayed for deliverance from your desires and you weren’t delivered. To you it probably seemed as if God turned his back on you but, God does things in his own time and his own way. Look at some of the examples in the Bible. The woman with the issue of blood was ill for 12 years before receiving her healing. The blind man was blind from birth before receiving his healing. God is a good Father and doesn’t abandon his children. We just need to learn to wait on him patiently. No we don’t know why we’re allowed to suffer some things but we don’t know the mind of God either. Job was allowed to lose his children, his health and his riches and he never knew why. It’s ironic that we know, but Job never found out.
Saul persecuted and murdered Christians before his encounter with God. He then repented and accepted God and God accepted him. David committed adultery, lied, and committed murder before he was shown his truly sinful self. He then repented and was forgiven by God. That’s the key, true repentance. Repentance isn’t just asking for forgiveness. It’s denouncing the sin that you’ve committed, confessing it before God, asking him to forgive you and making a commitment not to sin again. So I say to you, get back to your Christian roots. Repent and turn back to God before it’s too late. We don’t have to wait for death to be judged by God; look at Romans 1:28 again. They were very much alive when he decided that he didn’t want them. And just so I’m clear, that doesn’t apply to homosexuality only, that applies to any sin that we would cling to rather than clinging to God.
I hope you and any others that read this take this in the spirit that it was written.
Rod
Your story is amazing, and I have no doubt that you inspire many of your readers to live more authentically on a daily basis. Your courage is commendable.
@ thebenevolentdictator: Thanks for your kind words! I appreciate them very much.
great story, i wish i could have known myself at an earlier age. instead i have a husband and kids to think about.
Brian, thanks for sharing your story… it’s given me lots to think about!
@ leigh: That certainly makes things a little more difficult. God bless you on your journey!
@ throughthestorm: That the whole point!
Thanks for visiting.
Thank you so much Brian for your story, it really moved me like you have no idea! I currently just came out to most of my family and it’s going very well. The crazy thing about your story is that your circumstances are exactly what my first “real”(meaning not lying to myself and dating the ones I didn’t really want to date, opposite sex) love is going through and she tells me she isn’t gay. I can’t understand how she can say that after all these years, and I believe that’s the only real reason she wanted to “stop” was because everything you stated in your story. So, it’s really hard to deal with because we fell in-love on the “low” and we are forced to “stop” because it is “wrong,” EXTREMELY heart breaking for me! I know the only best thing for me is to move on but it’s hard because she wants to be my “friend” and I really care about her A LOT but she’s still in-love with me, I don’t know what to do, do you have any advice for me?
@ Living OUT: I’m glad that your coming out experience has been smooth so far, but I’m sorry that you are having relationship difficulties. The only advice I can give you is this…
If your girlfriend can’t come to terms with her sexuality, then she isn’t going to be happy with herself. That means she isn’t going to be happy with you, and by extension, you aren’t going to be happy. I know moving on is never easy, but in the long run, you will probably look back and realize that you made the right decision.
Having said that, she could just be getting “cold feet” about being an out-and-proud lesbian couple, and you might want to give her some time to deal with that issue before making any long-term decisions.
Whatever happens, good luck to you and congratulations on helping to make the world a better place for all of us by being open about your sexuality!
Hi Brian:
I’m glad I found your blog and was fascinated by your story. I have a similar tale, especially since my mom and dad are fundamentalist Christians. The difference is that I was a married father of three when I came to realize I was gay. Coming out was tough, and it happened on the heels of coming to a new insight that I was NOT a believer. So that was a double-whammy for my family to deal with, and most of them did not deal with it well. It took four years to reconcile, but the good news is that we have discovered a new kind of love for each other. They still are literalist Christians, and I am a Buddhist, but we are bound to each other by newfound love and respect.
@ Boy Grows Up: I’ve read some of your blog and your story is quite inspiring. I’m glad that you were able to reconcile with your family, even if it took four years.
Brian, I read your story and I just want to say that you have such strength and courage for sticking it out and living your life. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us! =)